I know it has been ages (and for that I apologize!), and I have missed this blog!! But, I am back! Upon Abby’s urging…and also because I missed this page, I promise!
I spent the last 6 days in VA, which was an amazing break from the day to day here in NYC! I left the city last Tuesday prepared for food, friends, fun, and SLEEP. The perfect recipe for a solid vacay, right?
I saw a ton of long-last pals (some exes included…more on that in a less public forum 😇), and my mini-family as well. Every holiday for the Leimans is similar- 3 women eating store-bought food and…catching up. We eat with my gramma at her apartment in McLean, and generally leave in less than an hour and a half. We are a really tiny family, but doing holidays this way is our “thing,” and has been for a long time, so I’ve never questioned it.
This Thanksgiving was different, though…still store-bought food eaten at my gramma’s, and the visit itself was still short. However, this year I saw my mom look at me with pity when I told her I was wearing Spanx under my dress (she’d asked, “don’t you want to wear tights, or SOMETHING, under that too-snug dress?”). I heard my gramma tell my mother she didn’t want me to turn out like her, alone (she thought I wasn’t listening).
They were profound moments for me, listening to the only two people who truly love me unconditionally, bicker between themselves and with me about how I’m not quite good enough. And yet I am sadder still because I know that someday, when my mother is gone, my family will consist of no one.
I’ve never had a holiday that meets the “normal person’s” definition- celebration, laughter, a real GROUP of people enjoying each other’s company for an extended period of time. And I want that desperately for myself.
In that evening I realized that adulthood really is overtaking me…in looking for a partner I’ve tried to convince myself that love and attraction are enough. But now, it’s about more- it’s about a real family and support system, and it’s about what I will leave behind. I love my family, as dysfunctional as they always are, but they will not be around to see my children grow up. If I’m really lucky, my mom will be around for 15 or 20 of those years. And I keep thinking not just about *my* desire for a big family, but a bigger wish that my kids have a large family to support them if/when I can’t.
So anyway…I realize this is a somewhat sad post in light of the recent holiday. But I see this as a sign that I am growing up to see what is truly important to me, rather than just seeking “available male in his 20s.” Growth!
So with that, I enter the dating pool for the last month of 2014 with a revised understanding of what I’m really looking for in a mate…and life as a whole, I guess.
Rabbit rabbit, ladies!
A Bittersweet Thanksgiving