Things Jessie Hates- the New Yorker Edition

Hi, Superfriends!

It was really so great seeing all of you during my crazy-long (but felt like a blip!) vacation, but I must admit, it’s made me a bit nostalgic. Add in Abby’s 3945930480578 photo albums and all of the wedding talk and I’ve basically been a weepy pile of goo for the last two weeks.

That said, there were some old-school things that made me less nostalgic than they did appreciative of the really mature- but still exceedingly eccentric- women we’ve all become. A prime example- the notebooks left over from our middle school and early high school days.

Abby pulled out some *serious* gems over which we perused on New Year’s Eve, including one whose highlights ranged from Kat’s Health Class countdowns (“75 minutes left. This teacher is yammering about something I am not entirely sure is in English. 73 and a half minutes.”) to my own musings on the cuteness that was Josh.

Everyone’s favorite throwback of the evening, however, was the “Things Jessie Hates” list, a derivative of said Josh being too “sick” to hang out with me on the designated day (and I was SO EXCITED for him to sit in my Spanish class next to me and do nothing while I learned another language! How could he have possible bailed on THAT?!). Golden nuggets included “Being sick, but feeling fine,” “Being bailed on,” “Cute boys not liking me,” and other variants on the EXACT. SAME. SENTIMENT. It was everything you pray to whatever higher power you believe in that you never were…but everything you’re fairly certain that you did, at one point, embody. You all only have this unsettling thought to rest on…I, however, have written proof that those days happened. You’re welcome, Superfriends, for the chuckle.

However, I have chosen to embrace the comically emo teenager that I was, and honor her by compiling a list of things that I, the hardened, spinster, fashionista (don’t judge me for assigning myself said label) New Yorker hate currently.

Here, I present to you- Things Jessie Hates, circa 2014

* Being yelled at on the subway for pushing. I’m sorry lady, are you aware of the fact that you’re on the busiest train in the city during Monday morning rush hour, or were you somehow transported here in the time travel portal you were smart enough to create but too dumb to figure out how to use correctly? It’s everyone ELSE who is pushing; I probably brushed you lightly with my Brillo-pad Jew fro. My bad.

*Enterers shoving past the exiters. I don’t care if you’re on the train, in a cafe, a store, whatever- if that lady is trying to exit the storefront through which you are attempting to enter, SHE HAS THE RIGHT OF WAY. Unless you’re having a heart attack the only cure for which is entry to Bloomingdale’s, back the eff off.

*People with babies being horrified when they realize childless pedestrians don’t have eyes in the backs of their heads. You bumped into my heel with your stroller? Yeah, that’s your fault, not mine. Don’t look at me like I just shook your baby.

*Cold espresso drinks. Starbucks is the only shop I know whose just-steamed beverages are the ones that are somehow served the most lukewarm. It’s basically an art form.

*Vagueness. There is nothing more irritating in a city of straight-shooters than the one person who refuses to give you the real talk.

*Chocolate. Hah, PSYCH! Just wanted to make sure you guys were still with me. I’m eating a mountain of peppermint chocolate bark as we speak. Tell me you’re shocked.

*Designer clothes. They sit there in the Bergdorf’s window, just taunting me with those price tags. Jerks…but damn are they pretty…

*The realization that someone likes you way more than you like them. Letting people down in a way that’s kind but firm is basically one of the least fun things in the world. No, scratch that- least fun thing in the world.

*Bills. Yeah. This one is self-explanatory. WHOOO, ADULTHOOD FTW.

*Watching your friends grow. Hold on, don’t get mad yet! This is actually bittersweet. I LOVE watching you all grow…but part of that is often a physical distance that keeps us apart. That makes me really sad!

*Forgetting to be completely, authentically myself. My biggest new year’s resolution for this year is to get better at being unapologetic about being myself…while still challenging myself. It’ll be a tough balance, but I’m up for it.

That last one said…that list completely encompasses who I was as a high schooler…and this one, I think, pretty well encompasses who I am now. A little snarkier, a little wiser…and maybe more cynical than emo. Hey, it’s a step in the right direction. I’ll take it.

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One thought on “Things Jessie Hates- the New Yorker Edition

  1. LOL before the last few items on your list, I was going to suggest it be renamed to “Things Jessie Hates… on Her Way to Work”

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